Getting pregnant is truly one of the most precious blessings imaginable. Some women dream about being a mom as little girls-- others it takes a while, and some don't have that desire. You wanna know a secret? It's all okay. All of them. The Lord gives us all different desires. Some women are CEO's of big companies, some run their own business, some are nurses & doctors, some work in finance, and so on. Each of these are important roles and each of these have mommas in them.
When I was younger, I never dreamed of being a momma. It wasn't that I didn't WANT to be a mom-- it just never was at the front of my mind. I knew I loved family and my motto in life was always, "the more the merrier!" I loved my mom and loved the role she played in my life (still do!) However, when Alex and I got married and we talked about having kids, I would just say, "Oh ya! I want kids someday!" When really after I said that, I kinda asked myself--do I really? I haven't really thought about it.
Fast forward to about two years ago-- I was doing a newborn shoot for a client and they were talking about how they hadn't found a nanny yet. I jokingly piped up and said, "Well I'll do it!" The both looked at me wide eyed and said, "WAIT REALLY?!" I kinda thought about it and said, "Actually, SURE!" I was taking pictures only part time then and had extra time to be able to watch their little girl. Once I started watching her, it truly was like the Lord began to open up my heart to let this desire of motherhood sneak in. I noticed one day as I was asking the Lord to give me the desires of my heart for the future, he dropped this little note in saying, "You are going to be a momma, and a great one." I kinda stepped back and listened even more closely. After that I began to have the strongest desire to be a momma. To raise a little boy or girl to be a disciple of Christ. To raise them to love Jesus and to love others. That desire grew stronger and stronger with every day that passed.
So now a little back story on Alex. From the time we got married he wanted kids. He KNEW he wanted kids & wanted to be a dad. About three years into our marriage he told me he was ready to have kids and asked how I felt. I told him "oh sure! but just not yet" (The Lord still had some things to show me, as I shared above). We went through some trying times when I experienced some anxiety and depression, and I kept asking myself-- "Can I actually be a mom if I've been through this? What strength do I have to be in this role?" (more on this later) So, Alex was ready. He had been ready for a LONG time to be a dad.
Alright now fast forward to April of last year. I had gone to see my counselor like I do every three months, and we had been talking about this desire I had to be a mom--but I was fearful. Fearful of being pregnant, fearful of depression, just plain fear. We talked about how those fears were not of the Lord and talked about what voice I was listening to. We talked about scriptures that promised the Lord's goodness. I dwelled on these scriptures and wrote them on my heart. After my session in April I was ready. I was ready to be a momma. I was ready to be pregnant. I knew the Lord had given me that desire and I knew He would protect us as we tried to become parents. I. WAS. STOKED. I couldn't wait to tell Alex--he had waited two years (very patiently) for me to be ready. We were standing in the middle of the shoe department at Scheels, (you know the best place to tell someone you want to try and get pregnant!) and I told him I was ready! That I wasn't fearful! I wasn't scared. The Lord was with us and I was so confident in this!
Well, apparently that shocked him into the atmosphere. He couldn't believe it. It caught him off guard and he didn't know how to respond. Well, let's just say he needed a little bit of time to be on board. He will tell you he didn't have the best response to my excitement . He had to take some moments (a lot of moments) by himself to process it. We were in communication over it for a few weeks and I told him I wouldn't ask him again, until he was ready.
A few weeks later, we were eating on the patio of our favorite Mexican restaurant & I felt the Lord nudge my heart to bring it up again. I started out telling him that we didn't have to discuss it, but I wanted to come back around to talk about it. He looked at me and said, "Kels-- the Lord has completely rocked my world. I have been so stuck in fear. Fear that we don't have enough money, fear that we don't own our own house yet, fear that we don't have enough to take care of a baby, fear that I won't be a good dad. Just so much fear. He has revealed to me so much about trusting Him. That He is our provider in every area of our lives. We don't have to fear about any of this. I'm totally ready." I couldn't believe it. I was SO overwhelmed with thankfulness that the Lord was faithful in comforting Alex-- the Lord was faithful in shattering his fears.
We decided to start trying and two weeks later when we were in Louisville, KY at some of our best friends wedding & I woke up in the middle of the night SO sick. I remember literally sitting up in our hotel room bed and saying, "ALEX I'm going to throw up." He jumped up and grabbed a trash can, and some water. Thankfully I didn't throw up and managed to go back to sleep. The next morning I woke up completely fine and spent the day with his family at Churchill Downs. I thought, there's no way I could already be pregnant. Even if I was, would I already be showing symptoms? Just two weeks later?! We went to the store to grab something for the groom and I grabbed a .99 cent pregnancy test. I took it. It was negative. I thought in my head, "DUH". We spent the rest of the weekend there and I didn't think much about it. When we got home I started feeling a little nauseous again so I went and got a better pregnancy test and took it Monday morning..around 5:00am. I took it. One line came up. I thought, "OKAY, I need to calm down.. there's no way." I continued to wash my face, brush my teeth, etc. When I walked out of the bathroom I glanced down at the test again and, there it was, the FAINTEST line in all of time. I held it an inch from my face, focusing my eyes on that faint line. I ran outside so I could see better in the natural light. There is was. IT. WAS. A. SECOND. LINE. I could not believe it. I cried. I squealed and then hopped back in bed next to Alex who was snoozed asleep. He had to work that day so I scurried for a way to tell him while he was gone. Waiting for him to get home was SO HARD. I saw my sister that day too and everything in me wanted to scream, "IM PREGNANT!" but we were headed to Mexico the next day and I knew I wanted to tell them in a fun way.
Alex got home later that day and I had a sign that said, "We need to pack another personal item." (We were packing for Mexico!) Without him seeing the sign I asked him to hold it and told him I was practicing on taking pictures of signs.. like what? HA! Anyway, he did it and then looked at the sign and the rest was full of tears. He was SO excited. We hugged and cried. He had to sit down, and could hardly believe it. It was one of the best days of our lives.
So, that is our journey. It wasn't perfect. The Lord gave us both this desire at different times. We both needed to depend on the Lord for our courage, and for our strength. He began the desire in my heart to be a momma and I absolutely cannot imagine not being a momma now! That desire became so strong and I am so thankful. He crushed all of Alex's fears about being equipped and ready to be a dad. The Lord is faithful and so so good! Don't let fear keep you from doing the things the Lord has called you to do. He will equip you and He will give you strength. We are so in love with our sweet little boy. (That's an understatement. I actually don't have words to describe how much we love him and LOVE being his parents!!!)
The prayer of my heart is that this will encourage someone--whether it's about having children, or starting a new job etc! The Lord will give you strength and the desires for what He calls you to do!
Psalm 37: 4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."